what is life

my beloved father died on the third day of 2021.

never ever in my life I felt like this. I cried the whole two weeks. And even until right now, I'm feeling so, I don't know, still can't believe that this happened.

I'm feeling sad everytime I remembered many regrets left. I'm feeling sad everytime I remembered the best memories I had with him. We argue most of the time, but still, he is the reason why I'm alive.

This loss makes me appreciate every little things more deeply. I even thinking about life most of the time, like, what are we, why are we here, to be what millennials (us) call it as YOLO.

*p.s.: I want to be either intensivist or internist.

**p.s.: must take care of my mother, the strongest woman in the universe.

surviving christmas

this year's christmas day is kinda different.

as you know (no you didn't), I prefer christmas eve rather than christmas day itself, because I'm a night owl and I like christmassy lights kinda things.

This year, for the first time in my life, I spent the christmas time alone. Totally alone in kos-kosan a.k.a. boarding house.

My dad just tested positive for coronavirus PCR test few days ago. My mom is taking care of him at home. With oxygen tank, pulse oximetry, and medications by my family doctor (and also me checking on them everytime on call). And me myself even got common cold going on and recurrent chronic pharyngitis, it was so bad I was having mild fever these two days around. So I decided to just do self-isolation, luckily I have whole week off next week so yea, will see~

This is terrible because I'm thinking about my dad alot, I even cried in tears on the way to puskesmas this morning (and it was on grabride, which is ridiculous actually), worrying about him, but I'm trying to stay strong, because seeing my mom was so patient taking care to dad makes me feeling even more guilty.

I just wanted my dad to be recover soon, and my mom to be healthy and strong. As simple as that.

Merry christmas, folks!

early on

 udah desember aja.

jadi hari ini, bangun pagi setelah ketiduran depan laptop, niatnya bikin lapkas, ujung-ujungnya ketiduran.

dan sampe malam ini progressnya cuma 2%.

padahal ga jaga sampe hari Sabtu, pokoknya seharusnya sisa waktu kumanfaatin dengan baik.

ini aku lagi ngetik postingan ini sambil denger playlist christmas carol favoritku di spotify.

saking ga ada suasana natal di kos, keuangan lagi seret, kamar berantakan, cucian menumpuk karena kemageran tingkat dewa.

mau bahas hal berfaedah apa ya?

Mau bahas apa yang aku udah lewati sepanjang tahun 2020.

00:00:00 hampir kena api kembang api, untung gapapa.

terus belajar sampe 23 februari

liburan ke medan, pas banget balik manado korona mulai merajalela.

akhirnya diem di rumah dari pertengahan Maret sampe pertengahan September. 6 bulan. Tapi jujur sih ga berasa, soalnya kerjaan cuma tidur makan main sims sampe bego.

mulai deh perjuangan dari Oktober sampe sekarang. dan masih akan terus berlangsung sampe bulan Juni.

tapi setidaknya aku harus memanfaatkan sisa waktu di Rumah Sakit.

umur 27 pertama kali bener-bener "jauh" dari rumah (well, 20 minutes away kalo pake tol, tapi aku ga bawa kendaraan, di situ aku merasa sedih karena ga lancarin nyetir selama libur), rasanya nano-nano. Terakhir pulang 2 minggu lalu, kangen kucing, kangen suasana rumah, apalagi udah mau natal gini pasti rumah udah rame ama ornamen natal.

tapi ya gitu, kalo ga gini (lah), aku ga bakal belajar dan memaknai kehidupan lebih dalem lagi.

dan saat-saat kayak gini ada beberapa hal yang aku pertanyakan mengenai idup ini:

1. kenapa aku masih belom melihat sesosok jodoh? (NGAKAK)

2. jujur ga sengenes itu karena aku juga menikmati "ruang sendiri", sekadar mempertanyakan aja, haruskah kupasang iklan di biro jodoh (NGAKAK)

3. self-esteem aku beneran dipontang-pantingin tahun ini. dari yang sebelumnya 0, 11 maret 2020 melonjak tinggi, kemudian oktober sampe detik ini even jadi minus. like, semua orang udah bosen kasih tau aku buat "PEDE AJA YAN" tapi tetep aja. sampe mempertanyakan arah dan tujuan idup, mau jadi apa sebenernya?

4. dengan aku ngeblog 13 tahun non-stop bikin aku beneran yakin aku ini SELF-ABSORBED (kidding)(not)

5. geli sendiri baca nomer 1-2

udah lah. mau kelarin lapkas dulu (dalam mimpi)