what is love

I fell in love many times.

But most of them didn't work well.

I know I'm not that "friendly". I'm a shy person and sometimes disconnected to the outer world (alias cuek banget). I'm also not that good looking, even considered myself uglier now, the triple chins, flabby tummy, and acne scars all over my face so, it became much harder.

Last time was on clerkship years. It was not a love love honestly, but more like a sweetener in hunger games arena lol. And yes, both (I know) flunked out. Again, I said. I was depressed back then and ugly and messed up inside and outside.

Now, I don't know. Makin tua makin ngerasa, yaudahlahmaugimanalagi. Besides, marriage is hard tho. Personally I think this is the advantages for me to enjoying my single mingle life. Having two older sisters even makes it worse (nah kidding, jadinya banyak belajar dari pengalaman-pengalaman mereka).

Tapi, jatuh cinta asik juga. Udah lama ga ngerasain. Emang kalo lagi bad days nyesek, but when good days come, it feels like, you motivate me to do many things that I've never wanted to do on normal days. 

So, I'm trying to keep it safe and sound *wink*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*p.s.: happy 14 years of blogging! iya tau udah tua!

what is life III

Lately I've been crying a lot.

Another issue happened in life and I'm feeling so, I don't know.

Guilty of course, but also, cursed.

Then I remembered, life is temporary.

All I need to do is to be more careful next time and be good, do good.

Sometimes I hate how being a High Sensitive Person really affects me to several traumatic events.

I know time heals, but seems like it never stops.

The difference is, now the strength of life of mine has increased than before.

Eventho I'm still struggling, but this is life. We learn by our mistakes.

*p.s.: I miss you, Dad.

what is life II

mama pernah cerita, hampir 28 tahun yang lalu saat beliau hamil aku dan udah due date, aku kayak betah banget di dalam perut, gamau keluar ke dunia yang fana ini haha. Kemudian, papaku bawa air putih dalam botol ke gereja untuk didoakan oleh pendeta. Setelah mamaku minum, akhirnya beliau mules dan akupun lahir dengan selamat.

mengenal dunia eksakta membuat aku punya pola pikir yang skeptikal. kayak mau dipikir secara logika ga masup akal, kan ga mungkin air minumnya dikasih miso hehe bercanda.

apalagi setelah papaku meninggal, aku kayak makin bertanya-tanya tentang arti hidup.

Tapi, seperti yang diceritakan di atas, aku bisa lahir aja karena sesuatu yang ajaib. Entah karena kebetulan atau memang ada misteri di balik itu semua.

Pantes aku juga jadi ajaib gini yak, in a weird way.

*p.s.: makasih Pak Pendeta, I owe you big time