Forth leap year in blogosphere

Selamat hari kabisat!!

Senang udah selesai ujian, lagi jalan-jalan di Medan, liat ponakanku, kakakku, dapet jam tangan baru (thank you, Mom)

Seminggu lagi aku bakal meninggalkan umur 26 dan memasuki umur 27. Makin tua, udah mulai encok, harus dewasa, udah mulai kepikiran umur segini masih sekolah, belom berpenghasilan, kayak, aku masih kayak bocah, tapi keadaan yang memaksaku untuk dewasa.

Aku berharap yang terbaik aja. Semoga, apapun yang terjadi, aku tetap sehat dan kuat. Dan tidak lupa, bahagia.

2019 in a post

I want to write a quick review of this year.

So I celebrated new year in hospital, you can see more in here

Thing went well, I finished clerkship in March, and struggled to get things done (OSCE in surgery dept and two weeks in psychiatry) in August.


Finished two months of a tiring thing socalled stase ukmppd.

and now, I must study for pass tryout (AIPKI or tryout held by our faculty) in January so I could join National Examination on February 2020.

29 days left until AIPKI

man, I will spent Holiday studying hard. This a lil bit hard especially after all trauma and drama I went through last week, highly sensitive person like me kind of quite hard to heal, but I will try.

see u next year!

It's November already

One of the memory of Alm. Mr. Rengkung, took by me from my digital camera

May 6th, 2011, he asked me to took a photo of the teachers :')

Few days ago one of my favorite teacher in high school passed away.
He is the only teacher in my life who ever read my blog, when I moved to Manado, I made a blogpost about the comparison of my old school and new school. He once googled our school name for no reason and voila, my blog is right there on google. I found it quite funny actually, and the irony is, I wrote about how I hate my physics teacher for some reason, and I have no idea if he ever read that part or not, but seems like he didn't make a deal out of it.

I'm sad. He went to the hospital few times, but I never got one chance to visit him. And I didn't donate or visit him for the last time in school or his funeral at home. I don't have any money in my ATM (I live with my parents, still in school (read: unemployed), and got allowance daily or only when I go to school (read: hospital). My nephew got hospitalized at that time, so my mom was busy and I didn't want to bother her about the donation. I wanted to go to my high school to see him for the last time, but I was busy for the school things at hospital. So I just can pray from here, he is already safe there, he is the strongest person I ever knew, and he always spread the positive vibes to others.

He inspires me a lot. It makes me wanted to be stronger. Life is just a tiny specks in universe, so do us and all of our problems. Learning for all the life lessons I've been went through, there is one conclusion: Everything is gonna be alright. So, just live the life as it comes. Problems are always there but it wouldn't be last forever.

I'm 26 years young, still fighting with school-life for the sake of the future, and I must be strong. Not only me, but all of us.

watchmojojojo

Hello my lovely readers (ugh who's gonna read this shitty blog anyway)

So I wanted to do some recap of my clerkship. So yeah, this is, my

Top 5 Memorable Moments in Clerkship

1. Neurology

Spent 4 weeks of weight-loss, stressed-out, and so many weird things happened inside. But I SURVIVED

2. First month in clerkship

For me adjusting to new environment is the hardest thing ever, so yea. I cried almost everyday yet I was trying hard to stay strong. Big thanks to many people around (my beloved family, dr. Ida, dr. Awal, dr. Sarwono, Desmon, Mustika, Lena, Nuel, etc) (even special thanks for Orin, Acha, and Stefan, your "semangat!" means alot)

3. Psychiatry

I failed at first attempt and back to this dept almost two years later, and never regret this decision.

4. Pediatry

I learnt so much at outstation, spent 10 weeks took speedy shower at hospital, quite scared because I screwed up at the OSCE and MCQs but at least I passed with average score which I really deserved it. (and don’t forget case report in English whoa best experience evurrr)

5. Surgery

This dept is challenging. 10 weeks of “hardwork”, I almost gave up in my case report but thanks to dr Coco and Alin I finished it at the very last day on week-10. And I passed the OSCE with the score of 69.6 (a.k.a 70, the minimum score to get B)

Honorable Mentions:

a. Radiology

Everytime I’m passing by this place, I really hate the smell of the machines and the cold aircons.

b. PM&R

At first I’m thinking that maybe I could be continue my journey in this dept, but after went through it even for a week, well, no, thanks, bye.

c. Forensic and Medicolegal

This is my last place in clerkship (before I had to back in Psychiatry). We got a special chance to join the autopsy of drowning bodies. It started at 00.00 and finished around 03.30am, big thanks to dr.Elisa, dr.Johannis Mallo, and also all the best doctors and best staffs in this department.

AND NOW I HAD TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER CHECKPOINT.
BETTER GET AWAY WITH IT.
HUNDRED DAYS LEFT.
I LOVE LIFE.

gonna get up gonna get out

Minggu depan aku akan meninggalkan umur 25.

Jujur, beberapa minggu sebelum masuk usia 25, aku stres berat.

Sibuk di bedah, lapkas terbengkalai, pokoknya aku ingin mati.

Yet I was still facing each day pretended nothing's wrong, but it was actually something wrong.

Tapi... Setelah melewati berbagai lika-liku kehidupan, mulai dari nangis-nangis terkait lapkas bedah sampe bolos parade dan umak datang ke kos nenangin aku (mostly she confused actually, ga tau harus apain aku), jadi ketua neuro dan bener-bener bikin kapok jadi ketua (cuma orang kurang kerjaan yang mau volunteer jadi ketua di sini), melewati paket 3 koas yang melelahkan dan qu sampe sekarang benci paket 3 tsb, dan, stase luar di teling (I'm talking about both pedi and ikkom lol). yang bener-bener. bikin aku sadar bahwa hidup itu keras. banget. tapi. kudu. SURVIVE. jangan. kalah. ama. keadaan.


Aku sadar hidup ini indah. Jika kita menjalaninya dengan pikiran yang tenang, hati yang gembira (for me it's hard coz I'm easily upset for every little thing a.k.a oversensitive but yea at least I tried) dan yea. Jangan dibikin ribet lah intinya. I'm more into let everything flow nowadays...


and.....


Aku..... ga tau harus gimana sekarang. Lagi batuk-batuk dan gaens bangets. Hope I'll get better soon.

Valentine's Day

Happy Val's Day

I personally don't celebrate this kind of day coz I'm single for a decade now.

Like, the only memorable thing about Val's Day that I remembered was I ate all of the 10 chocolate bars that I bought by MYSELF. I was planning to give em to my friends and lovers but since I didn't have both (til now) so yea. Those dark era kinda time.


Sooooooooooooooo what am I supossed to write in this post?

Honestly I have no idea. Today is the graduation of my batch, which makes me feel more, yea.

But I'm still trying to reach the finish line. Even tho it's hard. like, it's fun, but, it. is. really. hard.



I'm going to eat indomie goreng to celebrate Valentine's day. Bye!

upgrading

last week.

that one unforgettable week.



I was fucking fucked up at that time.

I cried inside all the time.


but thank you

I want to be a psychiatrist because of all those things.
at least I saw a little light in front of me. maybe one day it will change, I never know.

thank you. thank you so much.

diarrhea

I don't know why, I'm enjoying my days greet sick children, so they want us to do examination on them. Some of them crying immediately when they see white coat human being, got traumatize by needle. I even found a 5 year-old girl literally cursing when we came to her. Many of them are still babies and quite calm and had such a smiley face. Feeling like this was the another thing to enjoyed.

So.. what's going on? 3 months later to finished this hardcore year evur in my life.

I'm on my quarter-life crisis.

I'm trying to holding on.

Eventhou this is just too hard. like, to, hard.


BUT I MUST KEEP GOIN

up up up

sometimes when you think about life...

when something that "seems" bad happened.


but actually it has another meaning to it



the more I grew up, the more I think that I've been doing wrong for all of my entire life.


why is this happened?

why life is so unfair?


I even lost my future visions. Don't know why.


I;m trying to fix all of these things but still. it's hard. and not easy. of course.


but in the end, I hope, and I must be sure that, all is well.

TAHUN BARU 2o18

langit di awal tahun 2018. difoto dari belakang rumahku.

Selamat tahun baru 2018 semuanya!

Jadi aku dengan yakin mengajukan diriku untuk jaga malam di psikiatri pada malam tahun baru. Maksud hati mau tambah pengalaman dalam riwayat hidup pernah malam tahun baruan di rumah sakit pas jaga malam. Eh, tapi kok endingnya agak-agak miris. Aku baru pulang jam 10 pagi keesokan harinya. But it's okay.


So, 2018. Resolusi tahun baru. Yang dari tahun ke tahun cuma bertahan paling lama dua minggu. 50 minggu sisanya ya gitu-gitu aja ni kehidupan.


Aku bikin dua resolusi. Yang satu bisa dibilang resolusi beneran tapi ketinggian banget. Yang satu lagi bukan resolusi tapi malah semacam pembodohan. Auk ah. Mari kita mulai


Resolusi 2018. Good version:
1. Menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik dari sekarang. Makin pemberani, percaya diri, suka ngobrol, ceria, pokoknya membawa positive vibe.
2. Menjadi normal. Dalam hal ini aku harus lebih memperhatikan penampilan, karena aku ini wanita, tahun ini berusia 25 tahun, bukan lagi anak kemarin sore (eh?)
3. Menjadi lebih rajin dalam urusan pendidikan demi masa depan yang lebih baik.
4. Menjadi lebih berjiwa sosial. Karena terutama beberapa tahun terakhir kehidupan sosialku sangat-sangat minim. Cuma ama teman sekolah dan kuliah. Itu pun ya gitu-gitu aja.
5. Menjadi pribadi yang lebih optimis dan menghargai tantangan dalam kehidupan.
6. Menabung. Haha. As simple as that. Nyari duit itu ga gampang nyet.
7. Menyetir mobil. Gila juga 10 tahun lalu pertama belajar nyetir dan sampe detik ini belum berani bawa ke jalan (pernah sekali tapi mati mesin pas naik tanjakan hahahahaha)
8. Menemukan tambatan hati.



aku tahu kedelapan poin ini sangat membangun, sekaligus sangat klise. Sumpah aku ngakak sendiri pas baca. Maka aku membuat resolusi nyata akan tahun 2018 ini:

1. just being you. grumpy, self-absorbed, pokoknya aku adalah wujud nyata Malcolm di Malcolm in the middle, minus the genius trait.
2. tetep cuek aja. ngapain dandan-dandan buang-buang duit baru minta ke ajus beli catokan aja wa udah diserang kata-kata andalan "Ga ada duit" :')
3. stay woles. fokus main game aja biar hati dan pikiran senang. trus ga kelar-kelar sekolah gw :')
4. stay ansos. everybody is fake.
5. stay avoidant. anjir.
6. tetep boros abisin duit cuma buat beli minuman dan cemilan di indomaret.
7. gojek aja
8. genapin ngejomblo 10 tahun.



jadi intinya ga ada yang bener. what a life. :p

happy

aku senang di bagian ini.
ga terasa udah dua minggu berlalu.
aku suka belajar tentang mood orang, perilaku orang, mendengarkan cerita kehidupan mereka.

aku ujian ama kabag.
bareng ama temanku yang suportif, yang kayaknya kalo bukan bareng dese w bakalan down duluan.


pokoknya bulan yang indah banget, ga bakalan aku lupain.

semoga tanggal 25 bisa makan KFC hehe

Rangkuman pertengahan tahun 2017

Tahun ini tidak bisa dibilang baik. Karena outside of my tiny little life, ada banyak hal yang terjadi. Sebagai orang yang tidak menyukai pertikaian, hal ini membuatku terlalu sedih. Aku sedih akan apa yang terjadi di dunia ini.


Di dunia kecilku, hal-hal terbesar yang terjadi adalah; aku wisuda. Tanggal 20, bulan 2. Tanggal kesukaanku, bulan kesukaanku, tanggal dan bulan kesukaanku karena lagi Pisces month huehue. Aku belum ulang tahun, jadi masih 23 tahun. Saat itu kepalaku pusing banget gara-gara kurang tidur dan belum makan, ditambah mata kiriku bengkak gara-gara nangis terus beberapa hari sebelum hari H. Make-upnya kinda ga memuaskan karena aku juga ga research dulu, tinggal iya-iya aja soalnya ajus yang nyariin. Dasarnya juga mukaku kayak buntelan, jadi bener-bener gokil. Go-kill. Tapi rambutnya oke sih.


Hal terbesar kedua adalah untuk pertamakalinyaaku naik pesawat, tujuannya jauh, dan ada transit. Pertama kali naik pesawat sendiri tahun lalu, hari terakhir di usiaku yang ke 22, tapi pesawatnya ga pake transit, jadi "ga greget" "sebenernya greget juga soalnya aku sempet panik karena antrian check-in kaga ada layar tujuannya akhirnya nanya-nanya orang yang ngantri. ewh. Dan rasanya naik pesawat jauh sendirian itu gimana? Pas manado-jakarta, aku udah seneng duduk di window seat, eh, pas aku nyampe udah ada anak kecil yang duduk ama bapaknya, yaudah aku ngalah duduk di aisle. Terus aku kan duduk di nomor awal, jadi posisinya di depan gitu, di belakangku ada rombongan anak-anak yang mau ikut kejuaraan karate kayaknya, bareng ama senpai mereka. Dan, aku bukan berasa naik pesawat, tapi naik bis kota. SOALNYA MEREKA RIBUUUUT. Ngeselin tapi sebenernya menghibur juga.


Hal ketiga, terjadi pergejolakkan di dalam jiwaku. Kacau banget. Ga ada yang tahu soalnya it's from my inner self jadi ya begitulah. Sekarang sih udah mendingan walau masih tetep aja, kacau. Akhir-akhir ini malah dunia yang lagi kacau. Jadi seimbang lah :'(


What's goin' on lately adalah aku lagi ngefans ama Katya Zamo, ketika suatu malam aku ga bisa tidur akhirnya marathon RPDR season 7 di youtube, udah layarnya gelap, kecil, audionya kalo ga kayak suara tukang jual bakso pake boraks di acara Investigasi, malah kayak Chipmunks. Setelah nonton banyak video wawancara doi di youtube, aku jadi tahu doi bukan sekedar drag queen, tapi seorang yang, aduh aku ga ngerti lagi, Isi pikirannya itu kompleks, cocok jadi motivator, pembicara, pokoknya kalo denger doi ngomong tuh enak. Berkarakter banget lah. Ga heran jadi all time fan favorite (kalo ga salah ya).

Yang kedua adalah, aku memaksakan diriku terjun ke dalam dunia Game of Thrones karena abang Katya. hehe. Selama ini aku ga pernah into GoT soalnya aku cepat bosan, kalo nonton satu episode TV Series yang 10 menit ga menarik, bakal ga aku lanjutin. Selama ini aku tertarik hanya pada Malcolm in the Middle karena dari awal nonton di TV udah suka banget, kocak dan humornya cocok ama seleraku, kemudian Parks and Recreation, walau aku belum nonton semua season, tapi sama, aku suka aja, dan Arrested Development. Jokesnya luar biasa!!!! Hehe.


Setelah nonton 3 episodes, seru juga ternyata. Ditambah pas kemarin aku nonton King Arthur di bioskop (dan aku heran kenapa reviewnya negatif padahal filmnya seru kok), aku terkesima ama Irish actor, Aidan Gillen yang berperan sebagai Goosefat, yang hobinya senyum dan jago memanah, dan ternyata doi main di GoT juga, yaudah deh makin pengen terusin nonton.



This is another weird thing about me, aku suka tiba-tiba mengidolakan sesuatu namun kemudian cepat bosan juga. Seperti misalnya aku research tentang Jason Bateman (setelah aku nonton Arrested Development dimana ia adalah leading rolenya), aku nonton semua film dan TV series yang beliau perankan mulai dari waktu dia masih belum puber di Silver Spoon, lagi puber di It's Your Move, lalu jadi figuran di the Sweetest Thing, kemudian Hancock, The Switch (yang bagus banget!!), hingga film yang ia sutradarai dan perankan sendiri seperti Bad Words yang kocak dan The Family Fang. (And don't forget Zootopia, film kartun paling keren dan deep), tapi ga lama kemudian aku mulai bosan dan mungkin juga karena udah puas melakukan research jadi ya berhenti. Tahun ini kayaknya ada serial baru lagi judulnya Ozark yang ga sabar pengen aku tonton hehe.

Dan lagi, karena babang Katya juga, aku jadi pengen nonton Twin Peaks! Kebetulan banget yang season 3 tahun ini udah ada, jadi paaaaaaaas banget timingnya ;) (butuh kuota internet huhu)


Sekian curhatan panjang kali ini. See ya next time!

10 TAHUN NGEBLOG

Hai. Jadi, hari ini tepat 10 tahun aku mulai ngeblog disini, dan juga 14 tahun aku pertama nulis diary. Yup, hari yang sama, tahun yang berbeda.

Makasih udah jadi teman terbaik yang setia mendengar uneg-uneg di dalam kepalaku yang abstrak ini, bikin aku bahagia dengan ganti-ganti skin, layout, whatever.

Makasih udah membuka wawasanku terhadap banyak orang di luar sana yang super keren. Member RB yang sekarang sukses semua. Keren lah.

Makasih udah menyibukkan waktuku dengan edit about me kinda thing, bikin skin, kenal photoshop, duduk di depan komputer di ruang TV sampe mabok, kangen banget lah.


Ngeblog itu bagi aku adalah vitamin. Semacam semangat untuk tetap sehat. Tipikal orang seperti aku yang overthinking tapi juga pemalu, bikin aku betah ngeblog. bikin aku merasa bahwa inilah media yang tepat untuk berekspresi.


10 tahun ini, berjalan dengan cepat. well, ga juga sih.


dulu, 10 tahun yang lalu, aku masih 14 tahun, kelas 2 SMP, belum jerawatan, masih kurus banget, masih malas makan, udah setahun ga pacaran, hobinya main fs di warnet, baca majalah gadis, main ke gereja atau ke rumah kak oyen. aku dulu juga ga pede-an sih orangnya (and still), pulang pergi sekolah naik angkot dan cibi (semacam angkot kecil di lingkungan sekitar tempat tinggalku di Ulak Karang alias UK, singkatan dari cigak baruak), masih rajin dengerin pro2fm yang beberapa penyiarnya masih kuhafal sampe sekarang, bang maman dan bang ari (lupa yang lain), masih gaptek, belum kenal dunia hollywood, tontonannya cookies sctv dan sinetron rcti, pokoknya intinya: polos.

and then, ten years later...

perempuan, 24 tahun, sekolahnya ga kelar-kelar, jerawatan dan ini bikin super ga pede tapi mager mau hidup sehat, perawatan, ilangin stres. lemak bertebaran dimana-mana, terutama di perut, udah mau delapan tahun ga pacaran, hobinya main gadget, stalking orang, main games, tidur, ansos banget3x, satu-satunya teman yang kupunya hanyalah teman SMA di manado, dimana aku bersyukur banget sekolah disana (dobos, teman-temannya asik semua, bahagia banget, masih keep in touch with em terutama teman segeng), yaa masih naik angkot sih, plus ojek, kadang diantar adikku kalau dia lagi pulang ke manado, kiblatku ke hollywood, sekarang ini lagi hype 13 reasons why, pokoknya intinya: depresi.



sebenarnya seharusnya hari spesial seperti ini diisi dengan postingan yang bermanfaat, tapi, maafkan saya. karena ga ada yang bakalan baca, jadi aku nulis sembarangan pun ga ada faedahnya.


sebenernya pengin throw a party for my blog's 10th birthday sih, tapi, hari ini aku sibuk.


besok hari terakhir sibuk sebelum lebih sibuk lagi nanti. honestly, I never wanted to be involved in this, like, I always wanted to run, but I'm numb.



ONCE AGAIN HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY MIBLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*p.s: my blog's birthday is on 420. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed :p (#nowplaying: stand up jamrock) (nah I'm a good girl, never contaminated with what-so-called-bad-things)

13 reasons why

hello, my blog. So, on 20th you will be turn 10. But I will be busy at that day. School-thing, as usual. But I will try to reach you when I had time.

So, I just finished watching netflix series called 13 Reasons Why. This is one of the best series I ever watched. The storyline is intense, the main characters' acting is incredible, and a little bit relatable with my current life. I know this is the story of high-school life, but yea, It's really a cool story. This series is based on a book, 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I never read the book, but If I went to gramedia and the book is available, I will buy it for sure ;)


Uhm, how to tell it without spoilers...


Hannah Baker, a new girl in Liberty High School ended up her own life, and before she did that, she recorded her story into cassettes, there are 7 cassettes and 13 sides and each sides tells story about a person and reason why she killed herself. The main character in here is Hannah's friend and co-worker at Crestmont theater, Clay Jensen. I really like the potrayal of this character, he is a regular boy, a little bit awkward and nerdy, but also really kind. So the series storyline's perspective is on Clay when he listens to all of the cassettes.

On my personal opinion, there is nothing to blame about especially to Hannah. She is the victim of this cruel world, cruel people around her. My high school life was thankfully normal, maybe there are some problems but it went well at all. I have much bigger problem in adulthood life, I'm feeling like I never ready to grow up. I trapped in some things that I don't actually like, but I don't know where else to go. No, I won't do the same thing as Hannah Baker did, I don't have money to buy a tape recorder, my sister used to have that thing 10 years ago tho.

I'm trying to keep my mental state as stable as possible. I have some dreams to be achieved. Eventhough it's hard, but this is life. It will be weird yet wrong if it goes easy.

one month to ten years

hari ini tanggal 20.

kepalaku lagi sakit, berasa ciut, aku lagi nangis, tapi ini udah reda.

di luar lagi hujan. aku benci hujan. tapi kalau panas terik, alergi di tanganku bisa kambuh.


aku ga tau apakah aku benar-benar depresi atau gimana, tapi, aku memang lagi depresi.


aku ngerasa ga sanggup lagi ngejalanin kehidupan ini. terlalu berat. dari dulu aku udah berusaha untuk tetap kuat, tetap menjalani kehidupan dengan penuh semangat, tapi tetep aja, sifat pesimis membayangi hidupku.



kemarin denger kasus bunuh diri di jawa, orang bilang katanya kalo orang depresi denger bisa menginspirasi mereka. kebetulan aku lagi depresi. well, justru enggak sih. malah aku makin terinspirasi untuk tetap hidup, even menjadi antonim dari bunuh diri, yaitu lahir kembali.


ga ada hubungannya. buatku. kalo denger berita bunuh diri, aku ga peduli. tentunya aku prihatin, tetapi itu ga menginspirasi aku untuk melakukannya juga.


cuma ya aku sedih banget sekarang. berasa ga berguna. mau ngapa-ngapain ga ada semangat. ini aku buka notebook kecilku yg udah lama ga aku pake juga tumben banget, karena baterainya habis, jadi lagi ngetik ini sambil notebooknya dicas.



hari ini tanggal 20. sebulan lagi aku tepat 10 tahun ngeblog. blog ini terlalu sepi, dan juga tidak aku promosiin, karena isinya agak-agak pribadi.



aku butuh sesuatu supaya hidupku kembali seperti dulu. walau penuh dengan keluh kesah, tapi setidaknya ga "mendung" kayak sekarang.

I just turned 24 years old

Happy Birthday to me! This is too early in the morning, I already woke up, I have TOEFL test this morning yet I'm not ready for it because I don't study at all, just look up at this fucking grammar, I should eat so I can take some pills because I'm sick, etcetera.


I actually got nothing to tell about. Okay, I've been living for 24 years old for now, just started a new age today, still healthy all over my body, not quite 100 % on the inside because I've been living with depression, but my mind still worked out normally tho.

Today is also the International Women's Day, which is cool.



Oh gosh have no idea what to type in now. I gotta go now, bye!

left lower eyelid

no i won't tell something obvious


my left lower eyelid is a lil bit swollen and painful. It's because I cried too much for last few days. I have no idea what I'm doing in my life. My mind is full of complexity. My 24th birthday will be in next two weeks. These years had been tough, really-really tough. Why am I too depressed? Suddenly I'm feeling really related to those whom depressed and had suicide thoughts. Because you can't escape, clueless, have no idea where to go, too complicated, and so many other things.


I also don't know why, there is also a little bit spirit to me to just keep going. Eventhough I'm really out of my mind. Because I know, this world, this life itself, is a mystery.



Uhm, is this supposed to be my last post in age 23?

2017, first blogger ever, poor sun bears in bandung zoo

hello. this is my first post in 2017. coincidentally today is January 20th. it means today is the third month before my blog's 10 years anniversary!

I mean, I've never thinking to be still doing blogging till now. Well, I know I really like writing, but I usually get bored so easily, so I really don't know why I'm still doing this.

Ten years ago, I was 14. I was so clueless about this world, this life, including internet world. But I used to really-really happy that day. I have so many wild dreams to be achieved, which is failed at all.

Nowadays I became so hopeless, don't have any desire to live, always sad and disappointed, etcetera.


I can only entertain myself with play random games on my tablet, or watching cartoons, listen to songs that I already bored of (I used to love it but after listen to it like too many times, you know..)


Maybe when I'm ready I'm gonna tell, why I'm sad, just if I already figured out why, because sometimes, I don't even know why I'm sad.


By the way, in this early new year, there are new few things that popped in my head.

First of, I once find out who's the first blogger ever. Turned out it was a handsome and cheerful young man named Justin Hall. He started blogging on 1994, which is really-really awesome! Then I watch his 40 minutes documentary video about his journey on 20 years doing blogging, and I really-really felt related to him! When I moved to another school in high school (this was 8 years ago), one of my teacher recognize me because he read my blog about my new school. Well, I wrote a lot, including how I didn't like my physics teacher, but thankfully he didn't make a big deal about that :p

Justin's now in his 40s, living a good life as a husband and loving father. He has own youtube channel, and the history knows him as first blogger ever! So cool! (his links.net itself blocked in my country because of the mature contents. thank God there is a thing called VPN)


Second, I'm so touched by the starving sun bears in Bandung Zoo. Gosh, never been this sad to watch the video of them begged for food by visitors. I know, in the province I live, there is also a wildlife park named Tandurusa which kinda neglected too. The video was uploaded two years ago, so I don't know if it already be take care or not. I never went there and wanted to go there but it never happened until now so.. but at least the animals in tandurusa aren't too skinny and begged for food like those poor sun bears. I wish all the best for everything about this alarming event. Especially for the bears.


That's all for today folks. Pardon my fricking grammars. Thank you! Bye!

2016

setahun nganggur.. kecuali beberapa urusan terutama bulan agustus-november

dan bener-bener selama 23 tahun aku hidup, 2016 merupakan tahun dimana aku benar-benar menghabiskan waktu "percuma"

bayangin, yang seharusnya aku perawatan muka yang jerawatan dan ga enak dilihat ini, perawatan siku yang ga enak dilihat ini, perawatan kulit tubuh biar lebih kinclong (eeek), dan terutama, terutama, belajar buat persiapan tahun depan, malah aku habisin dengan, bahkan aku bingung apa yang terjadi satu tahun ini, kenapa tiba-tiba udah lewat cepat banget aja.

mari mereview setahun ini tiap bulannya:

• Januari : ujian skripsi, revisi sampe mabok
• Februari : hard cover skripsi
• Maret : ulang tahun kabur dari Manado (nah, bukan kabur literally, tapi liburan ke tempat sahabatku di Surabaya), dan juga, menghabiskan banyak uang untuk belanja. which is bad
• April : nganggur
• Mei : handphoneku jatoh dan retak parah dan harus diservis bayar 2jeti
• Juni : ujian 1 mata kuliah
• Juli : vamily facation at bali, which is a worst days i ever had
• Agustus : pergejolakan batin menjelang akhir bulan
• September : masih sedikit pergejolakan batin
• Oktober : lelah batin
• November : nganggur
• Desember : abisin kuota 4G yang menumpuk :)

see. keliatannya aja cepat berlalu padahal aku sempat melalui crucial months yang bikin aku tuh bener-bener ga ada semangat hidup. (even basically i have no spirit to life) (mungkin semangat hidupnya di bulan crucial itu adalah minus 98 dari +100)

tetapi, aku belajar banget dari 12 bulan yang penuh challenge ini (bukan samyang challenge maupun mannequin challenge). aku harus lebih bersikap dewasa dan bijak, berkepala dingin dan ga cepat marah dan down, karena hidup itu keras. banget.

aku ga tau ini postingan terakhirku di tahun 2016 atau engga soalnya bisa jadi aku punya mood lagi buat nulis di lain waktu di tahun 2016 ini. barangkali, buat mengumpulkan niat menulis untuk sekarang ini aja susah banget. hehe bye

roller coaster

today is 20th of September, 2016. 20th always be something for me, for blogging and writing. I mean, I started writing diary on April 20th, 2003. I started blogging on April 20th, 2007. Just that, nothing more about 20th. The last time i published a post in here was on June 19th, which nearly the 20th. Pardon of the silly ice-breaker. I have nothing to share about. Actually I have some.

First of all, I felt so bad for not published new post for 3 months. I was busy on the last one month tho, but not the other two months. It just like, I got writer's block, or may I call it, blogger's block. I have many ideas to share about, but I just got lazy and didn't got a mood so yeah.

The funny thing is, that busy month on last month, was the crucial month for me. I got anxiety attack and leads to depressed syndrome. I cried all the time, I didn't have any energy to do anything, and I even had suicidal thoughts. But at least for now I already went through it so don't worry. I am quite okay right now :)

Those rough times really helped me and got me some experiences and life lessons. Early adulthood years is really-really-really fascinating. I mean, we have some ups and downs, and we should get through all of them. I will survive and stayin' alive! :D

Sorry for these sick grammars. Nobody gonna reads this thing tho. Bye!